What Roger Ebert And His Liberal Critic Pals Won't Tell You About 'Milk'! (A Work of Satire)

What I would like to discuss today is a groundbreaking new film titled 'Milk' directed by the artsy-fartsiest of auteurs Gus Van Sant. Let me begin with a spoiler alert...this movie has nothing to do with the dairy industry whatsoever. (I know! Right?) In fact not a single frame contains a cow of any sort. As most of you will agree I see this as yet another shining example of Hollywood's liberal terror assault on middle America. To call a film 'Milk' implies the most wholesome and comforting of content which viewers will not only find entertaining but life affirming. Using such a staple of the American diet as your namesake asks your audience to recall long summer nights spent whittling hickory on their back porch with Pappy, happily chewing on a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie with a tall cool glass of the chalky white stuff at their side. Instead of being whisked away on this nostalgic jaunt down memory lane the first thing I was confronted with in Mr. Sant's so-called film was the passionate snogging of two bonafied penis carrying members of the male gender. That's right! The homo-murder machine stalks us even in the darkest of movie theaters. Needless to say I was tempted to leave the cinematech right then and there, but dared not for fear that the raging erection I had acquired due to the appearance of some totally stacked hot chick in the trailer right before might be misconstrued as some sign that I enjoyed watching the soft, suple, lips of James Franco gently pressed against the stern, chizzled, face of Sean Penn.
Sprinkled throughout this sodomy laden fairy ballet is yet another example of why Democracy doesn't work. Gay man is elected to office...chaos ensues. It's as simple as that. When will America sit back and take a little lesson from failed gay city states in antiquity? What happened when all those phallace gripping philsophers in Greece created a Democracy under the rule of its citizenry? An even bigger and (according to Oliver Stone) even gayer empire led by Alexander the Great pounded them (surely from behind) into submission. So watch out America, because the minute we let our guard down France is going to come in and prance all over us.
In conclusion I award 'Milk' 4 stars because it still does not corrupt the youth of this country nearly as much as that wizard Harry Potter and his harem of pagan friends.