The sun has been an idol of worship since the very hairy beginnings of the human race. After all, who could resist the charms of that portly gold sphere hovering so handsomely above us? Like Dom Deluise, pre-diet John Popper, and Santa Claus all rolled up into one bright, shining, celestial body. One must never forget that without the life giving force of the sun our ancestors could never have crawled out from the oceans, developed the capacity for thought and communication, and then created such important universal contributions as the VH1 network and squeezable mayonaise.
For these innumerable reasons mankind has sought various ways to give thanks to this fiery galactic anchor point throughout the centuries. From elaborate tribal dances to blood soaked, dagger filled, human sacrifices. Though each of these offerings of gratitude have their merits they all share one common flaw: Dreary Time Consumption. Let's face it, who really has the clock ticks to spare in the information age to construct an Aztec-like Mesoamerican pyramid complete with sacrificial altar, let alone hunt down a reliable virgin willing to give their life for a questionably effective gift to the sun? I'm sorry but what worked in Tenochtitlan does not work in 21st Century Western civilization. To quote a popular Dr. Scholl's commercial, that's just not " gellin' ". And if you ain't ' gellin' ', well brother then you ain't making sense if you catch my drift.
Thus I propose a mode of thanksgiving for the great yellow colossus more suited to the modern man (or woman): sit idly by and allow it to pummel you with skin searing UV rays. I mean in the end isn't a sun burn just the sun's way of giving you a hug? A blistering, carcinogenic, hug? Sure it is! And the beautiful part is that the only thing this method of thanks requires of you is total apathy. Sweet, sweet, apathy. Aside from that you must remember everyone likes affection, and that includes stars at the center of solar systems. So why not lay back and let the ol' gas ball nuzzle in close for a little while. In the end you'll get a tan, and maybe a few fluid filled blisters to poke around with, while our great circular oven in the sky will feel emotionally satisfied and content with continuing to provide you and I light and warmth. If you were so inclined to look the phrase 'win-win situation' up in the dictionary you probably wouldn't find anything except for the individual definitions of the words 'win' and 'situation'. However, using the power of the human mind you could then deduce that allowing the sun to burn you is literally the definition of a 'win-win situation' for everyone involved.
So stop sending our nuclear pal the same tired, old, hallmark cards you send him every year and try going out and just doing nothing for a while with a significant portion of your skin exposed. I think my man Sunny can take care of the rest. ;)
Cody
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